Working with Difficulty: Mindfulness and Grief

Grief is unavoidable but how we respond to it influences its impact on us.
Grief is unavoidable but how we respond to it influences its impact on us.

“Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.”

― Leo Tolstoy

As long as we love and care about things in our lives, we open ourselves up to the possibility that these things could end. In loving people, places, pets, and circumstances, we are vulnerable to grief when they are lost or change. However, these attachments are part of what makes humanity work. We have evolved to be creatures that have the ability to form these bonds and connections, and ultimately this ability increases our chance of survival.

You might say to yourself, “Yes, yes, sure- I’ve got it. Grief is necessary. But it still sucks.”

Just like pain, grief is unavoidable. However, the way in which we choose to respond to or engage with grief can have a significant impact on the degree to which it impairs our functioning or makes us more reluctant to cultivate future attachments. Oftentimes, it is the thinking that almost automatically accompanies pain or grief that keeps the suffering alive. For instance, the idea that this suffering is intolerable, undesirable or that is it unfair. These kinds of thoughts can unintentionally kindle secondary emotional processes, like anger or anxiety. And this muddies the emotional soup of grief.

Imagine bringing mindfulness to grief. What would it be like to invite the grief in to your “guest house” and to experience it as it is- just in one particular moment? Is it possible to cut down on the clutter of thinking that surrounds that particular emotional event and to simply ride the wave of the sensations associated with grief? Perhaps your grief feels like burning in your stomach, or tension in your chest, or numbness. There is no correct way to grieve or appropriate timeframe for moving on; there is only one certainty:  the only thing you can really experience is the current moment and the myriad sensations that abound. So, why not stay with it as it is without projecting backward or forward with thinking?

Today on my commute, there was an announcement in the train station that the train would be delayed due to “an event involving a person.” In Switzerland, that is terminology used when an individual has fallen or jumped in front of a train. On the platform, you could feel the collective horror as people went silent, shifting uneasily on their feet, looking at the floor. My stomach twisted and I experienced an unusual sinking feeling that indicated to me that I was feeling grief.

In that moment on the platform, I imagined that we commuters shared a common emotional experience. And that shared humanity in the face of difficulty was a reminder that grief and our symmetric capacity to love unites us all.

(Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigaitalPhotos.net)

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