Tag Archives: Connection

12 Tips for Surviving (and Thriving in) Expatriate Life

Life abroad is equal parts adventure and hard work
Life abroad is equal parts adventure and hard work

Moving to a new country is not easy and can challenge even the most thick-skinned adventurer. As a psychologist, mother and weathered survivor of a move abroad, I hope I can offer you a number of tips that will help you to flourish in your new expatriate home.

1. Keep your sense of humor. This is far and away the most important piece of advice. Without an ability to step back from a situation and laugh at yourself, your time as an expatriate will be difficult. Just yesterday, my son and I used the boys’ locker room at the pool. I did not know the German word for “boy” and there wasn’t a visual representation on the door so after a quick eeney-meeney-miney-mo, we chose one. Luckily it was empty but the lifeguard informed us later of our mistake. After turning a deep shade of fushia, I laughed and vowed to start German lessons.

2. Learn the language. Before moving to the German-speaking part of Switzerland, we lived for three years in the French-speaking part. I found that learning French helped me feel more connected to the community. For instance, once I learned how to properly tell the cashier at the grocery store to “have a nice day,” I relished the smiles I received in turn. However, make sure that your expectations regarding language learning are reasonable or you risk demoralization. Most native speakers will appreciate your efforts and overlook your mistakes.

3. Find a group. I found that taking language classes was an important way to meet other people who could share my experience of being abroad and learning something new. Connecting with people helps to ease the feeling of isolation that naturally occurs after moving abroad. If you have a baby or small child, see if there is a teacher willing to provide lessons to you and a friend at your home. Sharing a teacher cuts costs. Taking lessons is activating, creates routine and contributes to the development of a social support network, which is crucial for most people to maintain their mental health. If you already speak the language, joining a running group, church or parenting group may be something else to consider.

4. Find your niche. What did you do in your home country that helped you feel like yourself? Are you a gym rat? A coffee house aficionado? Are you a movie buff or an animal lover? Sports fan? Do you enjoy volunteering? Find a place in your new location that supports pursuits where you can connect with those parts of your personality. Perhaps it is a special park or museum or even the public library. Integrate a visit into your routine so that it can be a place to check in with yourself on a regular basis.

5. Be aware of your personal risk factors. Prior to moving abroad, I had no idea how much the weather could impact my mood. As a native Floridian, I never had the opportunity to see how three weeks of gray weather would affect me. And now I know. When I feel edginess or low motivation coming on during a spell of bad weather, I have a plan for managing it. And other factors can also impact how you feel you are handling your expatriate life, such as hormones, stress, loneliness, change in physical activity level, change in diet, lack of sleep. Know your triggers and how to work with them.

6. Cultivate friends with whom you can both brag and whinge. There is a tendency in the early years of life abroad to join any social opportunity that presents itself but at some point, it may be important to select which relationships to focus on in order to cultivate more quality than quantity. I would recommend finding friends with whom you can both brag and “whinge” (whining binge). These are people who can celebrate small victories with you because they recognize that life is difficult and can also listen nonjudgmentally to you when you just need to vent.

7. Give yourself a year- or more. A client once reported to me that she was having a “bad Switzerland day” after experiencing a number of incidents that she felt illustrated the worst part of the country’s cultural values. These days will occur a lot in the first year and into the following years. Resist the urge to make any big decisions on these days and start fresh the next day. Beyond that, the mounds of PAPERWORK and reorganization involved in moving abroad often takes an ENTIRE year before it is settled. However, take your time and monitor your stress level. It will get done.

8. Resist culture blaming- you’ll just feel more isolated. We expatriates are in a unique position to compare our own native cultures to our host culture. There are some things that work better and some things that may not work as well. When you notice yourself tallying all the things that do not work as well, resist the tendency toward all-or-nothing thinking. When you start to feel like the culture itself is flawed, you will only feel more alone. Let the thoughts and emotions pass and recognize that you may feel differently the next day. Cultivate a gently curious “let’s see how I feel tomorrow” mindset.

9. Be aware of resentment in your partnership. This is an insidious scourge of expatriate relationships. Often, one partner is relocated abroad while the other goes along. When things are not working well for the partner who does not have the benefit of routine and socialization provided by employment, it is easy to hold the other partner responsible. Be open about how you are feeling with your partner so that resentment does not fester. Recognize that acculturation is hard and ask your partner for extra support and patience while you attend to self-care. Your relationship will be better for it, even if it means spending more money or time to get what you need.

10. Establish a routine but leave room for spontaneity. Following a major life transition, routine and predictability are very important. Setting in place a rhythm can help you to increase your resilience to the small and large bumps in the road that will inevitably occur. Even small routines like going for a walk every evening, or visiting your favorite coffee shop each week, or buying an English newspaper will help you to establish a sense of order. However, avoid clutching rigidly to routine- if an unexpected opportunity for joy or long-term gratification occurs, seize the moment.

11. Keep your traditions but adopt some new ones. At our house, we have established a “Swiss-giving” tradition (no turkey, just a big chicken!) that helps me to tap into holidays that are important to me and to teach my son about his American heritage. Advocate for those traditions that help you and your family connect to what is important for you. It may not look exactly the same but the intention itself is affirming. On the same token, partake in the local traditions and try them on for size. Is there space for you and your family to integrate them into your way of life? If so, new and unexpected pleasures await you.

12. Get support in your native language. Need a little extra support as you adjust to life abroad? There is no shame in finding a professional who can help you to figure out your own plan for flourishing, whether a medical practitioner, psychologist, yoga teacher, midwife or priest. If possible, finding someone who speaks your mother tongue as a native speaker is ideal but otherwise make sure it is someone with whom you can freely utilize the richness of language to describe how you are feeling and doing.

(Image courtesy of khunaspix at FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

An Ode To Expat Mamas

Friends

This post is one of a particularly personal nature and also one that I am very excited to write. I think it is relevant to the general theme of this blog given that it relates to what it is like to be a mother abroad and the importance of social support for mental health. But mostly it is about friendship and its power to transform the experience of living far from home.

When I first moved to Switzerland, my son was just two months old. I had very little experience parenting in the United States much less parenting in a country where I could not speak the language, did not have a job and was far from the support of my friends and immediate family. I made an effort to reach out and luckily, there were a number of ways to meet other English-speaking parents in Lausanne. I now know that, during this initial phase of acclimation, there can be a tendency to open up to anyone with friend potential and very quickly become socially overextended. But, with lack of sleep whittling away patience, I moved into the phase of being more selective with potential social activities.

I was fortunate to meet and connect with some of the most creative, courageous and smart women from all over the world. Our countries of origin spanned most of the world: Taiwan, Ukraine, Austria, Poland, the Netherlands, Dagestan, Malaysia and the U.S. And despite our differences, we now share a chapter of our lives with one another that we all consider to be one of the most special and unique. We all had our first children around the same time and weathered some of the greatest ups and downs of this new experience together.

As it often happens in the highly mobile expat communities, that chapter is now coming to a close as these women and their families follow opportunities in other countries. Although we always knew the intensity of these relationships would change as our life circumstances did, it is still sad to go our separate ways.

I often tell clients that expat moms get the short end of the stick. In moving to Switzerland, they are usually the ones that experience the most dramatic changes to their living situations and, typically, are tasked with organizing life for the kids. They are immersed in the minutiae of daily life in a foreign country and often juggle a lot of balls. Whether they stay at home or work outside of the home or something in between, expat mamas have to be tough. They enter this life without many certainties about what the future may hold and develop a thick skin that allows them to weather the daily difficulties. They learn how to advocate for their children even if it goes against the grain and how to manage the childcare shortage. Many of these mamas are tireless entrepreneurs who put themselves “into the arena” in a big way. Expat mamas take things in stride, whether it’s the inconvenient laundry room schedule, the train stations without elevators or ramps, the two-hour lunch break from school, or the Sundays where nothing- I mean NOTHING- is open. In short, to be an expat mama, you have to be comfortable with discomfort.

One of the best things an expat mama can do is develop a strong network of genuine social support. Ideally, a playgroup for mother and child-where both moms and kids can enjoy the company of those who understand their experience. I believe that while it is not necessary to have a village to raise a child, it sure is nice to have one. And expat parents are uniquely in a position to enjoy the immense diversity of cultural perspectives while connecting with other parents who share the same fundamental motivation: being the best possible parents they can be.

I do not think I would be the happy and relaxed parent I am today without the influence of my mama friends. Even though moving abroad meant starting over and forging my own way in many respects, I somehow feel like the friendships started here have been there all along. And I am confident that these relationships have left a mark that will last into the future.

(Image courtesy of artur84 at FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

Does Mindfulness Numb our Sense of Social Responsibility?

Mindfulness to emotion helps you to respond more thoughtfully than reactively- and perhaps that means reaching out to connect
Mindfulness increases thoughtful responding to emotion- and perhaps that means reaching out to connect

There has been some interesting chatter in the media discussing the impact of mindfulness on people’s willingness to engage effectively in society. Recently, Suzanne Moore of The Guardian suggested that mindfulness is all about the self and neuters impulses that may be useful for creating positive change in the world. She implied that practicing mindfulness may minimize the distress of the practitioner but does nothing to to directly address the distressing event.

In response, mindfulness practitioner and writer Ed Halliwell suggests in his blog that this criticism of mindfulness is normal given recent increasing attention to this practice in the media, and is actually helpful in furthering a constructive conversation. He notes that practicing mindfulness does not cure society’s many and serious imperfections and that, for those looking at the practice from the outside, it can appear to be something of an “opium for the people.”

For those of us who do practice mindfulness and who bring awareness to our very personal experience of living, we know that this is quite far from the truth. In fact, opening ourselves to the emotions and thoughts and body sensations that may be present in a given moment serves to better acquaint us with distress, sadness and other emotions that usually accompany our appraisal of the difficulties of life. When we open to these emotions, we acknowledge and honor them. Even though these emotions may be painful, we invite them in. Otherwise, the temptation may be to ignore, suppress or deny these emotions because of the automatic or habitual belief that we are helpless to change them or that we will be overwhelmed by their intensity. Yet, with practice and courage, we learn to approach rather than avoid our emotional experience and to just observe what is present in our bodies as we do so.

I would argue that this process of emotional awareness, of connecting to emotion in a given moment, actually prompts more action than the alternative. As a result of recognizing what is present for us in our minds and bodies, we may choose to respond in a way that thoughtfully supports our values and the things that we believe in. The motivation to take action is not out of a desire to rid ourselves of emotion but rather to validate our experience, and to connect to meaningful action.

Here is an example. A client described being deeply affected by the death of Robin Williams. She explained that his suicide prompted her to reflect on the suicide of a close friend and that she was experiencing feelings of sadness, grief, hopelessness and anger. She told me that with mindfulness, she could open to these emotions and ride their rise and fall in response to the thoughts she was having. As a result this process, she decided to reach out to her friend’s mother. She told me that they enjoyed a coffee together and reminisced about her friend, sharing a moment of connection to both one another and to the very natural feelings they have about losing her.

My client found that this action did not minimize her own grief but it did help her to feel like she was “in the driver’s seat” of her experience and that she could do something to recognize the loss. Rather than drown in her own suffering, she created a relationship with the pain that allowed her to respond to it in a thoughtful (rather than a reactive) way. And because she was open to her emotions, she was better able to be empathic when talking with her friend’s mother. Ultimately all of these responses supported her values.

Rather than numb our sense of social responsibility and our motivation to change the injustice of the world, mindfulness highlights the feeling and thinking that make it easier to engage in value-driven action if we want to. And as Ed Halliwell points out, even if our practice does not lead us to reach out and contribute to making the world a better place, simply being able to skillfully manage the distress that naturally accompanies membership in this imperfect world is a radically transformative way of breaking the cycle of unproductive suffering.

(Image courtesy of xedos4 at FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

No Place to Land: The Expatriate Experience (Part 2)

Expats have developed strengths that help them to face unexpected difficulties in life
Expats have developed strengths that help them to face unexpected difficulties in life

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” –Mary Oliver, 1990 

Life stressors like divorce, health concerns, child educational issues, and caring for aging or sick parents are very difficult no matter the geographical setting. However, when these issues arise for those who are living abroad, they can seem simply insurmountable. I have found that, in general, expatriates are a hardy bunch. They usually feel ready to take on the challenges that living in a non-native country entails. Often they have experience from their childhoods traveling and experiencing different cultures and changing environments. Or they bravely fall in love with someone from a different country and open themselves to the prospect of a multicultural relationship. Sometimes the expat experience beckons to those who are looking for a fresh start and a chance to cast a new die for their lives.

In any case, those who choose this kind of life are usually prepared for the emotional challenges that characterise it. They are not surprised by days that require dealing with language challenges, reaching outside of their comfort zones, and getting lost for hours. But, throw in one or more of the major life stressors mentioned above and these “expat virtues” can be sorely tested.

A client once described to me how living abroad and dealing with a major life stressor left her feeling like she had “no place to land,” that she felt too disconnected from support in her country of origin but also not intimately acquainted enough with support in her adopted country. As a result, she struggled to carry the weight of the stressor by herself, without knowing how to direct the emotional resources she had cultivated through the challenge of living abroad in order to more effectively manage her experience.

Deciding to take the plunge and live outside of your country of origin for an extended period of time is not unlike dealing with a major life stressor. As you consider what life might be like following a major change, it is easy to get caught up in anticipation of the worst-case scenarios or doubt your abilities to manage what might arise as part of this adjustment. However, if this was where the thought process ended, than no one would live abroad. There is a point at which the thinking flips to consideration of all possibilities in a more balanced way. Regardless of how you think about an event, however, there is no certainty about how these thoughts will correlate to the future. So, there is a self-confidence and awareness of an ability to be flexible in the face of the unknown that is necessary in deciding to live abroad.

Once my client could connect to these gained skills and her own quiet strength, she felt more empowered to manage the stressor and was able to develop a plan to deal with it in a way that reflected her values. She came to believe that she could do it, even when there were days when she encountered extreme challenges to this belief. Concurrently, she created a support system that she could turn to for information and empathy. She admitted feeling surprised that increased self-reliance actually helped her to feel better able to seek support, rather than confirming her initial fear that asking others for help would make her reliant upon them. In essence, with hard work and courage, she created a safe place to land for herself.

Although it can certainly be more challenging to deal with major life stressors as an expat, it is not impossible. Those characteristics that often draw people to living life abroad can also be utilized to cope with unexpected difficulties that challenge emotional well-being. The decision to live outside of your country of origin is one that cannot be made without a great deal of courage, hope and belief in your abilities to cope with difficulty. And though we do not get to decide when and how major stressors will arise in life, the same hard-won attributes that help us manage other difficult situations/decisions can be called upon to help us through.

(Image courtesy of smarnad at FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

Navigating Postpartum Depression and Anxiety as an Expat

Baby_mom

As most parents know, nothing can truly prepare you for what it will be like to bring a child into the world and be charged with raising that tiny, vulnerable creature into adulthood. After reading a dozen books, endlessly questioning my friends with children and buying more baby supplies than anyone could ever need, I thought I was prepared. But, strangely enough, when the nurse put my son in my arms, I couldn’t have felt more unprepared. Somehow, we parents work it out. Our children survive our initially clumsy attempts at diaper changes, feeding and bathing. We navigate the challenges of early parenthood that we could never have anticipated. However, this learning curve is a rocky road, one that leaves many (if not most) feeling overwhelmed, frustrated and perpetually longing for a nap.

Yet, today I write about those parents who feel all of those things but to a degree that is difficult to articulate. Those parents who may, on one hand, feel like what they are experiencing is “normal” adjustment but on the other, suspect their struggle is different from those of their peers, and as such, may be reluctant to voice what they are feeling. It is my hope that this post serves to do a few things:

  • Elucidate differences between the more typical (I want avoid saying “normal” as there really is no such thing) early parenthood experience and symptoms of postpartum depression and anxiety (PPD/A) that might warrant extra attention and treatment
  • Discuss how being an expatratriate might exacerbate early parenthood difficulties
  • Assure any suffering parents that they are not alone- that help exists in the form of effective treatment by a professional or by accessing resources available in our community

Symptoms of PPD/A

Listed below are symptoms that characterize the general experience of postpartum depression/anxiety. Keep in mind that not all of the symptoms might apply or that the symptoms may be somewhat different for you. I provide the list simply to increase general awareness.

For at least two weeks at a time following the birth (or adoption) of a baby, you experience some of the following:

  • Depressed mood (most of the day, almost every day)
  • Inability to find pleasure in the things you normally enjoy
  • Not wanting to eat or overeating
  • Not being able to sleep, not wanting to sleep, or wanting to sleep all the time
  • Feeling physically tired or aching to the point that your level of activity is markedly different from normal
  • Feeling physically wound up so that you feel as if you can’t sit still
  • Lack of energy or fatigue nearly every day
  • Intense feelings of inappropriate or excessive guilt and worthlessness
  • Difficulty concentrating and making decisions
  • Thoughts of harming yourself or someone else
  • Racing thoughts
  • Constant worry
  • Frequent or constant resentment of your partner or child

And most importantly

  • The way you feel consistently interferes with your normal functioning (e.g., decreased socialization, inability to manage responsibilities, decline in hygiene).

The Expat Experience: Feeling Alone in the World

Living in a foreign country far from family and friends can serve to exacerbate feelings of being isolated and alone. There may be fewer sources of support to help you remain balanced and able to care well for yourself in conjunction to you caring well for your baby. There is less access to people who might remind you of your personal resources and help you combat thoughts of worthlessness and hopelessness, people who know how to encourage and praise you when the going gets tough. Not to mention the difficulty involved in simply accessing community resources when you do not speak the native language. Feeling tongue-tied is just one more obstacle to picking up the phone and getting help. Furthermore, expat parents often come to a new country for a work opportunity and having a baby can change or eradicate the existing support network that was provided by simply being at work. Depending on your parental leave situation, all of the sudden, you are out of the office and plunged into life as a mom or dad, which is likely quite different from the work environment.

Just to put things in context, clinical psychologists and other health professionals commonly use a scale called the “Social Readjustment Rating Scale” to measure the degree of stress in a person’s life. To give you a taste, “pregnancy (#12)”, “addition of a new family member (#14)”, “change to a different line of work”, “change in sleeping habits” and “change in working conditions” are among the top 30 most stressful events in life. And this list does not even include “Adapting to a new culture in a different country – far from friends, family, and all that you know”! When a person experiences a certain amount of stressful life events in a year, they are more vulnerable to illnesses. And make no mistake: PPD/A is an illness. It is a condition involving daily suffering from which it can seem like there is no reprieve.

You are not Alone: How to Get Support and Support Yourself

As with any health condition, the best chance you have of it improving is if you take steps aimed at healing. For instance, if you have a cold, you rest, drink fluids and avoid going for a jog in the rain. And just like taking care of a cold, there are treatment options for PPD/A that show excellent efficacy. And the things that work range from intensive psychotherapy paired with medication to the simple implementation of self-care activities that your pre-baby self might have done without thinking. Those self-care activities might include things like exercising regularly, meeting weekly with a friend for coffee and a chat, or ordering take-away food rather than cooking. Doing these things does not make you less of a parent. In fact, taking care of yourself is one of the best things you can do for your child.

When talking to clients, I often refer to the airline safety guidelines requirement that, in the event of an emergency, the adult should put on their own oxygen mask before helping their child put on his. Our children need us to take care of ourselves first because otherwise, we cannot tend to their needs.

It can be unbelievably hard to reach out for help when you have no energy to pick up the phone or feel overwhelmed by cultural differences or believe that you should just grit your teeth and “get through it, it’s normal.” If increasing self-care activities does not diminish the symptoms or if it is just too daunting to embark on these changes alone, it is important to enlist the help of a professional.

To get started, here are some links to online support resources:

To those parents living abroad who are struggling with early parenthood, please know that you are not alone and you are not without hope. There are many parents and professionals who share your experience and who can help you feel more empowered. Enlisting the support of your partner, a compassionate friend, a group of other parents, a medical doctor, a health practitioner or a psychotherapist can transform your experience of parenthood while enriching the relationship you have with yourself and your child.

(Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

Working with Difficulty: Mindfulness and Grief

Grief is unavoidable but how we respond to it influences its impact on us.
Grief is unavoidable but how we respond to it influences its impact on us.

“Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.”

― Leo Tolstoy

As long as we love and care about things in our lives, we open ourselves up to the possibility that these things could end. In loving people, places, pets, and circumstances, we are vulnerable to grief when they are lost or change. However, these attachments are part of what makes humanity work. We have evolved to be creatures that have the ability to form these bonds and connections, and ultimately this ability increases our chance of survival.

You might say to yourself, “Yes, yes, sure- I’ve got it. Grief is necessary. But it still sucks.”

Just like pain, grief is unavoidable. However, the way in which we choose to respond to or engage with grief can have a significant impact on the degree to which it impairs our functioning or makes us more reluctant to cultivate future attachments. Oftentimes, it is the thinking that almost automatically accompanies pain or grief that keeps the suffering alive. For instance, the idea that this suffering is intolerable, undesirable or that is it unfair. These kinds of thoughts can unintentionally kindle secondary emotional processes, like anger or anxiety. And this muddies the emotional soup of grief.

Imagine bringing mindfulness to grief. What would it be like to invite the grief in to your “guest house” and to experience it as it is- just in one particular moment? Is it possible to cut down on the clutter of thinking that surrounds that particular emotional event and to simply ride the wave of the sensations associated with grief? Perhaps your grief feels like burning in your stomach, or tension in your chest, or numbness. There is no correct way to grieve or appropriate timeframe for moving on; there is only one certainty:  the only thing you can really experience is the current moment and the myriad sensations that abound. So, why not stay with it as it is without projecting backward or forward with thinking?

Today on my commute, there was an announcement in the train station that the train would be delayed due to “an event involving a person.” In Switzerland, that is terminology used when an individual has fallen or jumped in front of a train. On the platform, you could feel the collective horror as people went silent, shifting uneasily on their feet, looking at the floor. My stomach twisted and I experienced an unusual sinking feeling that indicated to me that I was feeling grief.

In that moment on the platform, I imagined that we commuters shared a common emotional experience. And that shared humanity in the face of difficulty was a reminder that grief and our symmetric capacity to love unites us all.

(Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigaitalPhotos.net)

Mindful Relationships: Rewiring for Compassion and Effective Communication

Being mindful can jumpstart your relationship
Being mindful can jumpstart your relationship

I don’t know about you, but my partner really can push my buttons. Sometimes he does so intentionally but oftentimes it happens without him knowing it.  In either case, when my buttons get pushed, I typically react in anger. Or, my fallback: passive aggression. As you can imagine, this can lead to the formation of some pretty unhelpful patterns in our relationship.  Usually it results in him getting defensive and me feeling hurt.

When we choose our partner, we usually do so with the assumption that our partner will help to support us in all avenues of life. I think most relationships start with both people oriented toward this ideal: that the relationship is good and that they want to do what is reasonable to keep the relationship on this positive track. But almost always, wires get crossed along the way. And we develop patterns of reacting in our relationships that result in undesirable and distressing experiences.

Bringing more mindfulness to relationships can provide a jumpstart to a relationship, whether it is decades or days old. Mindfulness can help each partner check in with their internal experience and communicate that experience more effectively to the other.  Being a mindful partner can potentially rewire long-standing unhelpful patterns of communication while enhancing compassion and promoting authenticity in that relationship.

For instance, let’s meet our mindful couple, Archie and Veronica. Archie’s hot button is tone of voice. When he feels that Veronica’s tone is critical or harsh, he shuts down. When he does so, Veronica feels like Archie is ignoring her and she feels hurt and angry. She wants him to respond to her and thus, ramps up her efforts to communicate what she is saying. This cycle of communication is self-defeating. With time and practice, Archie and Veronica learn to check in with themselves in that moment that their buttons are pushed. They become familiar with the patterns of emotions, thoughts, body sensations, and behaviors that are triggered. And then, if they wish, they can communicate what is happening for each of them and discuss ways to more effectively manage the conflict.

Veronica learns that sometimes, when it’s too late and Archie has withdrawn, she can manage her distress on her own and revisit the topic with Archie when he is not overloaded. And Archie learns to assert his need to take a brief timeout when he is emotionally flooded so that he can better attend to what Veronica is saying. They both can now take responsibility for their part in a conflict because they feel safe being vulnerable.

Mindfulness is not rocket science. It simply involves consistent effort to attend to the full experience of the present moment. In a conflict with a loved one, it is tempting to get overwhelmed by one particular aspect of the experience, for instance, thinking. So, with Veronica, when Archie was shut down, she was swept away by the distressing (and incorrect) thought that “He doesn’t care about me. He doesn’t listen to me. How could I be so stupid to choose someone who doesn’t want to listen to my needs?” Rather than checking in with other aspects of the experience (for instance her body sensations) and attempting to soothe herself until that distress could pass and more logical thinking could return.

It takes time, practice and patience to rewire old patterns of thinking and reacting. Luckily, our fantastically plastic brains have the indelible capacity to form new connections which result in new beliefs and behaviors. As this excellent blogpost describes, better connecting with yourself via mindfulness can have a transformative effect on the relationships in your life. The relationship we have with our partner is one of the relationships that most impacts our daily lives and thus, I believe that it’s one that deserves consistent care and attention.

(Image courtesy of khunaspix / FreeDigitalPhotos.net)