Tag Archives: Health

Life Abroad as a “Trailing Spouse”

Instead of
Instead of “trailing” how about “accompanying” spouse?

“Trailing spouse”: It’s a term that makes me grimace. The idea that there is one partner in the relationship that trails (by virtue of the word) behind the other. To me, the term “trailing spouse” brings with it a feeling of having less power, less say, less importance. That this person’s capacity is defined by their relationship to another person, that is, the non-trailing person.

How would you better describe this experience? Is there some catchy nomenclature we could apply that better accounts for the incredible courage and resilience that partners in this position display as they take on great challenges? What snappy term encompasses what it is like to approach the adventure of living abroad without the safety net of a job or post-doc to provide financial, social and professional security and consistency?

Beyond simple wordage, people in this situation encounter many challenges specific to being the partner who does not receive compensation and recognition for the difficulties inherent to living in their non-native country. We already know that people who live abroad are at a higher risk for anxiety, depression and substance use disorders than their domestic counterparts. But we know much less about the subset of individuals that fall within this “trailing spouse” category.

Here are some things we do know:

-Thanks to globalization, more people are living abroad than ever before

-Often, people are moving abroad at the same time when they are contemplating starting a family or are raising young children

-They may be giving up or compromising their own professional trajectories

-They are sometimes in bi-cultural partnerships

-There may be increased stress in the relationship with their partner as a result of moving or the partner’s new work responsibilities

-They have to set up new routines for themselves without a lot of information about what resources are available

-They may have to learn a new language

-There may be more financial stress

-There is less social support (at least initially)

-They may be exhausted from coordinating the move

-They may not know how long they will be living in their new country

-They may have to manage their family of origin’s reaction to their departure (i.e., guilt)

-They may have very little experience living abroad

-They may have felt pressured to move

-They may have a history of a mental health problem

There are many factors that could influence how well someone in this capacity copes with moving abroad. It is an almost infinitely complex experience that requires flexibility, courage and self-compassion along with a healthy sense of humor.

To those “trailing spouses” out there, you are not alone. You may be living in an incredibly beautiful country with more material or financial resources than you have ever had and still feel unhappy or lost. Your friends on Facebook may be in awe of the pictures that you post of your new domicile. In spite of this strange feeling of incongruence, it does not mean that you’re not adjusting or “doing it right.” Moving abroad with your family or spouse is a shock to the system and feels different for everyone. It is my hope that this post normalizes the experience of difficulty that so many experience when they move abroad.

When in doubt, talk to others in your position. Don’t be invisible. Or seek the support of a psychotherapist or other mental health practitioner. Other suggestions for making a smoother adjustment can be found here. It is certainly possible to survive and thrive as a “trailing spouse” but it takes time, self-compassion and courage to do and think about things differently.

(Image courtesy of stockimages at FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

Getting Started: Wisdom for New Mindfulness Practitioners

medit_4

Recently, we started new drop-in mindfulness sessions at le Centre de santé that are open to anyone wishing to come by and practice with a group. It has been very exciting since we have a number of participants who are new to the practice and have bravely decided to see what mindfulness is all about.

I really enjoy having the opportunity and privilege to hear the observations and experiences of those brand new to practice. The comments they offer about their foray into formal practice ranges widely to reveal boredom, discomfort, relaxation, sleepiness, questioning, judging, frustration, ease, struggle, and so on. I remember my first time practicing, as part of a Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) group, and sneaking furtive glances at my watch as the minutes seemed to endlessly stretch on. And I still have days when practice goes like that!

Today’s group got me thinking: if asked, what would I say is one of the most transformative aspects of mindfulness practice for me? What could I share from my own practice that could speak to how I experience mindfulness? What tidbit of my own experience could potentially help a newbie to persist through those moments in practice that are often filled with frustration (“My mind is wandering SO much”), confusion (“Am I even doing this right?”), and underwhelm (“is this IT?”)?

And this is what I came up with (although I am sure it is not an original thought): Mindfulness is not about staying but about coming back, again and again. 

There is much more I could share about what practice is like for me but I am curious to hear what you would say. If a stranger approached you on the street and asked what mindfulness is like for you, what would you say?

The Importance of Being Still

Aare_fishing
Mindfulness gives you the opportunity to practice being still if you don’t have the time for a contemplative fishing trip.

Although I talk a lot about how to integrate movement and activity with your mindfulness practice (hence the name of this blog), today I feel it is important to highlight the equal utility of cultivating stillness and quiet in your practice. In the midst of the busyness of daily life, physically being still and not moving our bodies generally only happens when it has to: stuck in traffic, waiting at the DMV, or logging hours at our desks. And opportunities to cultivate stillness in our minds happens far, far less often.

Of course, mindfulness does not mean emptying the mind of thought. Instead, when I talk about mental stillness, I refer to the practice of intentionally noticing and being aware of the mind’s activity. Resting in awareness of what is present, rather than all of the myriad other mental gymnastics. It means noticing the pull to make that mental shopping list or write that mental email to your boss or to take a mental inventory of your own failings during the week. When being still, it is possible that we notice the movements in our minds and bodies (like that rumbling stomach, your respiration, that ache in your back) even more than we do in other less mindful moments. This awareness may be unpleasant and there may exist a rather strong pull to slide back into the busyness to avoid these sensations. The practice of being still is quite dynamic and changeable- which seems contradictory!

Making time to be still has many benefits, including that it strengthens your brain’s ability to understand and identify complex experiences. Furthermore, being intentionally still is just plain uncomfortable at times (it’s true!) which is a useful state to explore given that discomfort is something that occurs often throughout any given day. If our bodies become better acquainted with it, we can potentially increase our effectiveness in responding to a discomfort-inducing situation.

So, the next time you feel yourself hurtling along with the velocity of life, take a minute to consider being still. Here’s one exercise to try:

Adopt a posture that you can maintain for a few minutes and settle in to your body. Notice the feeling of contact that your body makes with the objects around it, the floor or the chair or your clothing. Open your awareness to the feeling of being still in your body. Notice that you may feel the desire to move, to scratch an itch, to adjust your weight, to fall asleep… Whatever is present, just take a moment to note the associated sensations. Investigate the sensations of the breath in the body and the movement in the body that occurs with each in-breath and each out-breath. Now, bring your attention to thinking and notice what may be present in your mind. Just as you did with noting sensations in the body, simply observe the habits of the mind that are occurring in this moment of stillness. Continue for a few minutes and notice the quality of ease or dis-ease that may ebb and flow over the duration of this practice. When you conclude the practice, intentionally return to movement with some of this expanded awareness and notice what that rejoining with busyness feels like in the body and the mind.

All practice is useful and as this lovely diagram points out, there is possibility for great variety in our “mindfulness diet.” I hope that you will consider a brief moment of intentional stillness even when life provides us with infinitely more opportunities to avoid sitting with ourselves. Or, perhaps you can take just yourself fishing.

An Ode To Expat Mamas

Friends

This post is one of a particularly personal nature and also one that I am very excited to write. I think it is relevant to the general theme of this blog given that it relates to what it is like to be a mother abroad and the importance of social support for mental health. But mostly it is about friendship and its power to transform the experience of living far from home.

When I first moved to Switzerland, my son was just two months old. I had very little experience parenting in the United States much less parenting in a country where I could not speak the language, did not have a job and was far from the support of my friends and immediate family. I made an effort to reach out and luckily, there were a number of ways to meet other English-speaking parents in Lausanne. I now know that, during this initial phase of acclimation, there can be a tendency to open up to anyone with friend potential and very quickly become socially overextended. But, with lack of sleep whittling away patience, I moved into the phase of being more selective with potential social activities.

I was fortunate to meet and connect with some of the most creative, courageous and smart women from all over the world. Our countries of origin spanned most of the world: Taiwan, Ukraine, Austria, Poland, the Netherlands, Dagestan, Malaysia and the U.S. And despite our differences, we now share a chapter of our lives with one another that we all consider to be one of the most special and unique. We all had our first children around the same time and weathered some of the greatest ups and downs of this new experience together.

As it often happens in the highly mobile expat communities, that chapter is now coming to a close as these women and their families follow opportunities in other countries. Although we always knew the intensity of these relationships would change as our life circumstances did, it is still sad to go our separate ways.

I often tell clients that expat moms get the short end of the stick. In moving to Switzerland, they are usually the ones that experience the most dramatic changes to their living situations and, typically, are tasked with organizing life for the kids. They are immersed in the minutiae of daily life in a foreign country and often juggle a lot of balls. Whether they stay at home or work outside of the home or something in between, expat mamas have to be tough. They enter this life without many certainties about what the future may hold and develop a thick skin that allows them to weather the daily difficulties. They learn how to advocate for their children even if it goes against the grain and how to manage the childcare shortage. Many of these mamas are tireless entrepreneurs who put themselves “into the arena” in a big way. Expat mamas take things in stride, whether it’s the inconvenient laundry room schedule, the train stations without elevators or ramps, the two-hour lunch break from school, or the Sundays where nothing- I mean NOTHING- is open. In short, to be an expat mama, you have to be comfortable with discomfort.

One of the best things an expat mama can do is develop a strong network of genuine social support. Ideally, a playgroup for mother and child-where both moms and kids can enjoy the company of those who understand their experience. I believe that while it is not necessary to have a village to raise a child, it sure is nice to have one. And expat parents are uniquely in a position to enjoy the immense diversity of cultural perspectives while connecting with other parents who share the same fundamental motivation: being the best possible parents they can be.

I do not think I would be the happy and relaxed parent I am today without the influence of my mama friends. Even though moving abroad meant starting over and forging my own way in many respects, I somehow feel like the friendships started here have been there all along. And I am confident that these relationships have left a mark that will last into the future.

(Image courtesy of artur84 at FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

Does Mindfulness Numb our Sense of Social Responsibility?

Mindfulness to emotion helps you to respond more thoughtfully than reactively- and perhaps that means reaching out to connect
Mindfulness increases thoughtful responding to emotion- and perhaps that means reaching out to connect

There has been some interesting chatter in the media discussing the impact of mindfulness on people’s willingness to engage effectively in society. Recently, Suzanne Moore of The Guardian suggested that mindfulness is all about the self and neuters impulses that may be useful for creating positive change in the world. She implied that practicing mindfulness may minimize the distress of the practitioner but does nothing to to directly address the distressing event.

In response, mindfulness practitioner and writer Ed Halliwell suggests in his blog that this criticism of mindfulness is normal given recent increasing attention to this practice in the media, and is actually helpful in furthering a constructive conversation. He notes that practicing mindfulness does not cure society’s many and serious imperfections and that, for those looking at the practice from the outside, it can appear to be something of an “opium for the people.”

For those of us who do practice mindfulness and who bring awareness to our very personal experience of living, we know that this is quite far from the truth. In fact, opening ourselves to the emotions and thoughts and body sensations that may be present in a given moment serves to better acquaint us with distress, sadness and other emotions that usually accompany our appraisal of the difficulties of life. When we open to these emotions, we acknowledge and honor them. Even though these emotions may be painful, we invite them in. Otherwise, the temptation may be to ignore, suppress or deny these emotions because of the automatic or habitual belief that we are helpless to change them or that we will be overwhelmed by their intensity. Yet, with practice and courage, we learn to approach rather than avoid our emotional experience and to just observe what is present in our bodies as we do so.

I would argue that this process of emotional awareness, of connecting to emotion in a given moment, actually prompts more action than the alternative. As a result of recognizing what is present for us in our minds and bodies, we may choose to respond in a way that thoughtfully supports our values and the things that we believe in. The motivation to take action is not out of a desire to rid ourselves of emotion but rather to validate our experience, and to connect to meaningful action.

Here is an example. A client described being deeply affected by the death of Robin Williams. She explained that his suicide prompted her to reflect on the suicide of a close friend and that she was experiencing feelings of sadness, grief, hopelessness and anger. She told me that with mindfulness, she could open to these emotions and ride their rise and fall in response to the thoughts she was having. As a result this process, she decided to reach out to her friend’s mother. She told me that they enjoyed a coffee together and reminisced about her friend, sharing a moment of connection to both one another and to the very natural feelings they have about losing her.

My client found that this action did not minimize her own grief but it did help her to feel like she was “in the driver’s seat” of her experience and that she could do something to recognize the loss. Rather than drown in her own suffering, she created a relationship with the pain that allowed her to respond to it in a thoughtful (rather than a reactive) way. And because she was open to her emotions, she was better able to be empathic when talking with her friend’s mother. Ultimately all of these responses supported her values.

Rather than numb our sense of social responsibility and our motivation to change the injustice of the world, mindfulness highlights the feeling and thinking that make it easier to engage in value-driven action if we want to. And as Ed Halliwell points out, even if our practice does not lead us to reach out and contribute to making the world a better place, simply being able to skillfully manage the distress that naturally accompanies membership in this imperfect world is a radically transformative way of breaking the cycle of unproductive suffering.

(Image courtesy of xedos4 at FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

No Place to Land: The Expatriate Experience (Part 2)

Expats have developed strengths that help them to face unexpected difficulties in life
Expats have developed strengths that help them to face unexpected difficulties in life

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” –Mary Oliver, 1990 

Life stressors like divorce, health concerns, child educational issues, and caring for aging or sick parents are very difficult no matter the geographical setting. However, when these issues arise for those who are living abroad, they can seem simply insurmountable. I have found that, in general, expatriates are a hardy bunch. They usually feel ready to take on the challenges that living in a non-native country entails. Often they have experience from their childhoods traveling and experiencing different cultures and changing environments. Or they bravely fall in love with someone from a different country and open themselves to the prospect of a multicultural relationship. Sometimes the expat experience beckons to those who are looking for a fresh start and a chance to cast a new die for their lives.

In any case, those who choose this kind of life are usually prepared for the emotional challenges that characterise it. They are not surprised by days that require dealing with language challenges, reaching outside of their comfort zones, and getting lost for hours. But, throw in one or more of the major life stressors mentioned above and these “expat virtues” can be sorely tested.

A client once described to me how living abroad and dealing with a major life stressor left her feeling like she had “no place to land,” that she felt too disconnected from support in her country of origin but also not intimately acquainted enough with support in her adopted country. As a result, she struggled to carry the weight of the stressor by herself, without knowing how to direct the emotional resources she had cultivated through the challenge of living abroad in order to more effectively manage her experience.

Deciding to take the plunge and live outside of your country of origin for an extended period of time is not unlike dealing with a major life stressor. As you consider what life might be like following a major change, it is easy to get caught up in anticipation of the worst-case scenarios or doubt your abilities to manage what might arise as part of this adjustment. However, if this was where the thought process ended, than no one would live abroad. There is a point at which the thinking flips to consideration of all possibilities in a more balanced way. Regardless of how you think about an event, however, there is no certainty about how these thoughts will correlate to the future. So, there is a self-confidence and awareness of an ability to be flexible in the face of the unknown that is necessary in deciding to live abroad.

Once my client could connect to these gained skills and her own quiet strength, she felt more empowered to manage the stressor and was able to develop a plan to deal with it in a way that reflected her values. She came to believe that she could do it, even when there were days when she encountered extreme challenges to this belief. Concurrently, she created a support system that she could turn to for information and empathy. She admitted feeling surprised that increased self-reliance actually helped her to feel better able to seek support, rather than confirming her initial fear that asking others for help would make her reliant upon them. In essence, with hard work and courage, she created a safe place to land for herself.

Although it can certainly be more challenging to deal with major life stressors as an expat, it is not impossible. Those characteristics that often draw people to living life abroad can also be utilized to cope with unexpected difficulties that challenge emotional well-being. The decision to live outside of your country of origin is one that cannot be made without a great deal of courage, hope and belief in your abilities to cope with difficulty. And though we do not get to decide when and how major stressors will arise in life, the same hard-won attributes that help us manage other difficult situations/decisions can be called upon to help us through.

(Image courtesy of smarnad at FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

A Heart in Two Places: The Expatriate Experience (Part I)

The expat experience can be exciting but complicated
The expat experience can be exciting but complicated

As an American, living abroad conjures images of exotic locales and adventure- experiencing sights, sounds and tastes that expand any understanding of how the world works. The expatriate experience can be a marvelous one. The infusion of adventure into everyday life can inspire and challenge. And now, as our global economy expands, more and more people from around the world are taking on the joys and difficulties that comprise expatriate life.

As fabulous as this kind of life experience can be, it is also difficult. It requires adapting to a new culture, establishing a new way of navigating every day difficulties, and managing separation from loved ones at home. Often it entails learning a new language or finding a new job. Of course, these challenges may be part of the appeal of living abroad and the sense of mastery gained by overcoming these obstacles can be very empowering. However, adjustment is a stressful process that can impact health and well-being if there is not consistent and compassionate attention to self-care.

A client recently confided to me that her experience of expat life is complicated by the guilt she feels by being far away from her family of origin. She discussed feeling like her “heart is in two places” and that as much as she feels proud to have established a life for herself in Switzerland, she finds herself feeling paralyzed about future decisions for fear that she might disappoint them.

Another client recounted his deep longing to raise his children in an environment similar to the one in which he grew up, an environment he does not feel like he can access due to his current circumstances living abroad. He reflected on the grief he feels about having to make peace with this reality and his uncertainty about how he will be a parent in a foreign country.

As with most things, the expat experience is not easy to characterize. There are so many variables that influence the adjustment to living abroad and I have found that it is an ever-evolving (almost daily!) experience, one that can feel simultaneously exhilarating and exhausting. It is not unusual to experience difficulties in managing the new challenges that arise when adjusting to living abroad but if you find that the way you are feeling interferes with your mood or with your ability to complete daily tasks (i.e., go to work, maintain hygiene, go out with friends), then it may be a good idea to consult a medical or mental health practitioner for support.  It can be frustrating to find that the life envisioned prior to moving is not the reality but that does not mean that the reality is impossible to manage or enjoy.

For many, life abroad is thrilling from the very first moment. For others, it can take time to settle in and adjust to the many changes. In any case, the courage and hard work required to take this leap into the unknown should be celebrated.

(Image courtesy of Ohmega1982 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

Mindful Work: 6 Ways to Bring More Intention and Value into Your Work Life

It can be tough to clock in when you are mentally clocked out.
It can be tough to clock in when you are mentally clocked out.

Someone (possibly Woody Allen) once said that “showing up is 80% of life.” Which makes me wonder- what is the other 20% about? Lugging our bodies into the office or to run our household day after day is necessary and the job usually gets done. But, what about beyond that? It makes sense that having our minds show up a bit more at work can increase our effectiveness as well as other aspects of our work experience.

Many of us do not fully enjoy our jobs or some of the tasks required of us as part of our position. Some of us may feel that the company for whom we work promotes ideas or products that run counter to our values.  These discrepancies between behavior (i.e, showing up to do work you don’t enjoy or don’t believe in) and values (i.e, living a healthy life, doing work that benefits those in need, contributing to the greater good) make us feel uncomfortable. The resulting dissonance can make us question ourselves or even impact our mood. However, I want to suggest an alternative way of thinking about this real difficulty.

Even when your professional position or responsibilities do not match some of your more obvious life values, think about the ways in which your work does support your values. For instance, perhaps you value commitment and loyalty which is satisfied when you do your job and assigned tasks to the best of your abilities just because you said you would- even when you’d rather not. Or perhaps you value family and your job helps for you to support that family. Others may value personal growth and even though your job responsibilities themselves do not feel as if they complement this value, perhaps the very act of continuously showing up, doing something difficult and still living a fulfilling, balanced life in spite of it all is a challenge that helps you to grow.

Connecting to what you value and committing to valued action is one way to bring intention and mindfulness to your work life. It provides the opportunity to “clock in” more fully and bring more of yourself to the activities in which you choose to engage. Ultimately, it brings you out of autopilot and into the driver’s seat of your life.

Here are a few other suggestions for bringing more mindfulness into your daily responsibilities, whether you work in the home or outside the home:

1.) Place a “mindfulness bell” in your schedule. This is a routine cue which reminds you to check in with yourself- like every time you start up your computer or walk to the bathroom or make your coffee. And checking in with yourself just means  finding the breath, seeing what is present in thinking/feeling/the body and then proceeding from a more mindful place.

2.) Take yourself out to a mindful lunch. At least once a week, eat lunch quietly and without conversation. Focus on the sensations of eating and the sensory qualities of the food. Choose foods with different textures or temperatures and whenever the mind wanders, just gently bring it back to the meal.

3.) Try “falling awake” after lunch. During that post-meal period of lowest energy, take 15- 20 minutes to settle into the body and feel the sleepiness in your body. Each time you feel yourself falling asleep, explore that feeling and use that as an opportunity to be mindful of these very vivid and surprising sensations.

4.) Walk mindfully throughout the day. If you have time to walk, you have time to walk mindfully. As you walk around the office, tune in to the sensations of walking including the various parts of the feet involved in the movements of walking. When you sit back down, take a moment to notice the feeling of warmth or looseness that may be present in the muscles after moving.

5.) When you get stuck, zoom out. If you find yourself getting stuck in a particular way of thinking or reacting, take a step back. Close your eyes and just notice what kinds of thoughts are present. Notice how big they feel or how quickly they go racing across the movie screen of your mind. Remind yourself that for the moment, you are simply observing your mind and there is nothing else that needs to be done.

6.) Practice mindful listening. When you want to bring more of yourself to a moment, use the voice of a speaker (whether in a meeting or conversation) to anchor you to the present. Just as you might with the breath, notice when your mind has wandered and gently escort your attention back to the voice.

I hope some of these ideas may help you to bring 100% of yourself into your work life and, ultimately, into any moment.

 (Image courtesy of jesadaphorn / FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

New Pathways

Even when a path already exists, you can make a new one.
Even when a path already exists, you can make a new one.

As a visual person, I use a lot of metaphors in my work. A personal favorite relates to the development of new habits, and particularly, new thought habits. Over time, we build up a certain way of thinking about a situation or ourselves or a difficulty until it becomes more or less automatic. This thinking habit becomes a well-worn, frequently-trod path through the landscape of our mind.

For instance, when faced with the prospect of making a presentation at work, some of us have developed the habit of thinking about the worst thing that could happen. Or, when receiving a stinging comment from the mother-in-law, some of us may descend automatically into self-criticism (or revenge fantasies). There are hundreds of mostly automatic thoughts zinging through our mind on a given day. It can be interesting to take a step back and slow down to see if it is possible to make a new path.

Making a new path does not mean that you can never use the old path. It just means that you are opening up options for yourself, consciously cultivating a different type of thinking (that perhaps is more rational and compassionate) that can ultimately impact how you respond to a situation. It will take time and patience to create that new path, just as it did to create that old one. But the beauty is that as a result of this new response flexibility there is greater awareness of choice and of freedom from (as Jon Kabat-Zinn puts it) “the tyranny of thinking mind”.

Change takes time but our mind is an amazingly flexible vessel for our thoughts and motivations. What kinds of new pathways would you like to create for yourself?

Mindful Weekend: Gentle Yoga

Gentle yoga is a great way to practice mindful movement
Gentle yoga is a great way to practice mindful movement

I have practiced yoga intermittently over the past 10 years and every time that I restart my practice after a break, I ask myself the same question: “Why on earth don’t I do this every day?” I find it to be such a refreshing way to practice mindful movement. Not that it is always pleasant… Quite the opposite really. Practicing yoga mindfully reveals a plethora of body sensations that are sometimes uncomfortable but always interesting.

Practicing yoga with the intention to be mindful can open you up to a vast array of sensations in the body. When not being mindful, it is natural to simply find these sensations aversive and to strive to minimize or avoid them. But if you try getting deeper into those sensations- by breathing, softening and allowing them to unfold- their complexity may surprise you.

For instance, last week we invited a prominent yoga teacher to our mindfulness class. She led us through a wonderful set, part of which included the  star pose. This pose simply involves standing like a 5-pointed star with legs apart and arms held parallel to the floor.  Immediately, I connected to feelings of tingling in my shoulders, which progressed to burning. With each breath I could feel the heaviness of my limbs but rather than dropping them down, I investigated these sensations as if it was the first time encountering them. In so doing, I could step back from my impulses to immediately minimize these feelings and instead, observed that the intensity of these sensations rose and fell- that it was more tolerable than I feared.

Given that mindfulness made its initial foray into medical settings in part due to Jon Kabat-Zinn’s use of mindfulness for managing physical discomfort and pain, mindful yoga is an excellent way to play with the experience of the body and to recognize how much our thinking mind can unintentionally influence our relationship with body sensation.

If you’re curious, check out this 30-minute guided practice of mindful yoga this weekend. I hope that you will be surprised and captivated by what your body tells you when you listen to it.